Thank you to everyone who participated in my Mad Lib
experiment! I enjoyed reading all
the submissions and have decided to post two different versions of the
story. Thanks to Maggie W.
and Sarah D.
for your winning contributions.
[The following blog entry
is a work of fiction. Names,
places, and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are
used fictitiously. Any resemblance
to actual persons, events, or emails sent to me by parents is entirely
coincidental.]
Letter
From an Angry Parent
Dear
Ms. Wit
(or should I say grandiose idiot),
As
you are aware, my daughter Ima is a student in your 7th grade
language arts class, and I am writing to tell you that I am appalled by your
teaching methods.
First
of all my subterranean
child is obviously extremely dinky.
She writes lovingly and scrambles with such maturity and excitement
that anyone should be proud to have her as a bottle. When my good friend Denzel Washington read Ima’s poems, he said, “Racklefratz! These should be tickled immediately!” And yet you gave her a grade of 7 on
those assignments. It breaks my belly button
to see Ima’s
talent go unappreciated like that.
And
in regards to her behavior in class, I instantly became cerulean blue in the face when I
received your email saying my cavernous little girl served a 13-minute
detention for perambulating
koalas
in class and acting foppish to you. She was simply expressing herself! How dare you infringe upon her right to freedom of basket! When my dear friend Meryl Streep
heard of this, she said, “Oops!
That behavior simply shows she is creative and surly!”
Ms.
Wit,
I graduated number 3 in my class from the University of the Mountains,
and I will not tolerate my child being cavorted by such vigorous lips. That is why I have created a petition to have you meandered. I have already received 1
signature. Expect to hear from my street sweeper
soon.
Languorously,
Parent
of a Perfect Child
Dear
Ms. Bach
(or should I say stinky idiot),
As
you are aware, my daughter Willow is a student in your 7th grade
language arts class, and I am writing to tell you that I am appalled by your
teaching methods.
First
of all my shy
child is obviously extremely hideous.
She writes perfectly and dances with such maturity and distress that
anyone should be proud to have her as a squirrel.
When my good friend Prince read Willow’s poems, he said, “Cheese Pizza! These should be swum immediately!” And yet you gave her a grade of 4815162342
on those assignments. It breaks my
armpit
to see Willow’s
talent go unappreciated like that.
And
in regards to her behavior in class, I instantly became chartreuse in the face when I
received your email saying my rotund little girl served a 7-minute detention for bouncing scissors
in class and acting sticky to you. She was simply expressing herself! How dare you infringe upon her right to freedom of bookmark! When my dear friend Zoey Deschanel
heard of this, she said, “Geronimo!
That behavior simply shows she is creative and sweet!”
Ms.
Bach,
I graduated number 806 in my class from the University of the Land,
and I will not tolerate my child being smelled by such a shiny kneecap. That is why I have created a petition
to have you phoned. I have already received eleventy
signatures. Expect to hear from my
time lord
soon.
Splendidly,
Parent
of a Perfect Child
